It occurred to me as I was rushing this morning at 7 am to my BFF’s house, to provide emotional support for her during a heated financial “discussion” with her ex-husband, all the things we just “do” when asked. We cancel appointments;  take time off of work; slip into small, mirrored, badly lit dressing rooms to give honest critiques; loan our best clothes; tell the truth -  no matter what.

 When called upon we “just do it”, even when we don’t want to, because that’s just what women do for women.  We lie, fabricate, pretend, tread where other do not dare. We become warriors for each other – warning others “not to go there.” We share yucky secrets  (the one’s we can barely put into words), like that one-night stand we’ d really rather forget. We hold each other’s hands during scary biopsies, and sit for hours in divorce courts. We drive to colonoscopies, plastic surgeons, pediatricians, ex mother in laws — but mostly, we listen. We learn to recognize the small shifts in each other’s voices that tell us it’s time for a lunch or a drink or a long phone conversation, even if it’s the same conversation we’ve been having for years. We simply LISTEN – and we never, ever bring it up again, no matter what. We tell each other the hard stuff like “you’re drinking too much,” “you need to lose a few pounds,” “take my hair appointment, you need a trim,” “I ran into your boyfriend where he shouldn’t have been.”

 And we love each other fiercely, instinctively and often longer than many marriages.

 LONG LIVE GIRLFRIENDS!!!!!

BIO:  

Patti Hawn is author of GOOD GIRLS DON’T a deeply personal first-hand account of what it was like to be trapped in an unwanted pregnancy at the close of an era where home economics took precedence over sex education. I gave up my child for adoption —-found him 40 years later…but this is where the typical adoption story begins…and ends. My book is available on Amazon and www.goodgirlsdontbook.com.

Patti Hawn Patti Hawn has worked on over thirty major motion pictures including some of the most acclaimed films of the last decade.  Her credits include Ghost, Glory, Overboard, and most recently, August Rush and Bride Wars.

Patti makes her debut literary effort with her memoir, GOOD GIRLS DON’T, that tells the story of the last generation of young women to experience life on the eve of the sexual revolution of the sixties and the passing of legislation legalizing abortion. It is a unique time in history, foreign to an entire generation of women, that resulted in an incredible number of reunions between birth parents and their children — 20, 30 and 40 years after.

Patti is the sister of the acclaimed actress Goldie Hawn. She resides in Manhattan Beach, California with her husband and travels to India, Nepal and Thailand where she works in humanitarian efforts.

Nancy Patti Hawn friendships, Girlfriends, help, inspiration, women friendship

Quick tips for holding onto happiness in the new year!!!

So often women find themselves in my office because they have lost their “happy”.  We have all kinds of profound conversations about what triggered the deep sadness, or anxiety, and what is contributing to it now.  We often explore old patterns and look at toxic relationships.  We examine their give and receive ratio (how much they are giving out to others, and how much they are allowing themselves to receive).   However, when it comes to feeling better quickly, we always have to go back to the basics….

1. SMILE often and especially in the mirror!  Yes, you are going to feel ridiculous, so just get over itJ  Muscle memory is a powerful thing, and you have every happy, joyful feeling stored in your cheek muscles.  So every time you go to smile, even if you aren’t in a particularly happy mood, you are triggering JOY.  The same way watching a fast food commercial can trigger a terrible craving for a mountain of French fries, smiling will trigger happy feelings.   Even better if you do it while looking in the mirror.  When you see yourself smiling, you are sending a powerful message to your subconscious mind that you are happy!  Your subconscious receives this info and then acts accordingly by sending out the powerful happy chemicals like serotonin!  Who doesn’t want that?!

 

2. At the beginning of your day, intend to BE HAPPINESS.  Take a minute in the morning in the shower to picture yourself throughout your day HAPPY.  What does happiness today look like, sound like, feel like?  Intend for nothing to get in the way of your happiness.  Intend to spread this happiness everywhere you go today.  Choose to spread positivity and be intentional about not going to the dark side (no complaining, criticizing, or negative statements today)!

 

3. Dress in colors that make you feel HAPPY, JOYOUS, & BEAUTIFUL!  Colors are one of the fastest ways to invite in new and happy energy.  When you are getting dressed in the morning, if your priority is to be happy, you should choose colors that make you feel happy.

 

4. Take 2 minutes out of your day to have compassion for yourself.  Most women look at me with a confused look when I say this….it’s alright if you are feeling confused a bit about what this looks like.  Stay with me!  Take 2 minutes or more to sit down by yourself and think about all that you have accomplished or dealt with today.  Put your hand over your heart and intend to send yourself some love.  The same way you would put an arm around a friend to comfort them.  If you are a visual person, picture your love as a color.  Send yourself bright pink and breath in this love and compassion in and out, until you are surrounded completely in this color.

 

5. Give yourself reminders around your house, office, and car, of your intentions to be happy.  You might write, “Today, I choose to live in limitless JOY!” on the bathroom mirror.  A good rule of thumb for any affirmation is that you say it to yourself, and then you take a deep breath and breathe it in to the deepest part of your soul, and say it again after your exhalation.

 

6. GET MOVING!  It doesn’t matter how you choose to do it, but choose to do it for 30mins a day.  You can dance, do some yoga, go for a walk or run, but get your body moving.  When your body is getting some healthy movement once per day, it is physically healthier and is better equipped to hold onto that happy feeling!

Happiness is a vibration like anything else.  It is an unconditional friend that will always come back to you when it is invited.  Intend to live it today, and watch how quickly you enjoy the benefits of its presence.  You so deserve in every way to be happy!

LOVE, LOVE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TO YOU!

Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD, CHt

www.healingplacecounseling.com

Nancy Erin Williams encouargement, Happiness, insight, positive thinking, Self love

There are 3 things that we know for sure about life:  it has a beginning, it will end some day, and we should make the most of it while in between.

It’s the gap – the in between that I want to write about today.

This is what I call the GAP – the place between 2 places.

How are you living in the gap? 

Are you living in a timid place full of fear?

-or-

Are you living in JOY full of laughter and peace?

To fully live life out loud means to smell the roses, enjoy the view, take the opportunity to meet and smile at a stranger and truly touch a life for that moment in time.

Sometimes we take life so seriously that we forget to exhale.  We run from one place to the next place and forget where we’ve been.  RUSH, FAST, HURRY is part of our vocabulary.  We don’t make time for ourselves because we’re too busy taking care of everyone else.  We even think it’s selfish to make time for ourselves.

Allow me to dispel that myth.

It’s okay to take care of yourself – to breathe – to exhale.

In my opinion, if you don’t exhale then you are probably almost on the verge of burnout.  It’s time to charge your batteries and take care of YOU.

So I believe there is a co-relation between slowing down and living your life out loud.

Do the things that matter most in life like spending time with your family, your loved ones.  Take the time to show the most important people in your life that they matter and you care.  Take the time to spend with friends.  Take that spontaneous trip.  In fact, I write this post on an airplane flying to Chicago.  My son is a pilot and he had sent me a text the night before stating he was flying to my town and if I wanted to catch a flight to Chicago with him since he had a few days off.  I pondered, and yes I was busy with work but I had the opportunity and I seized the moment – YES – I will!  Work will always be there, errands to run will be run, work will get done but precious moments with loved ones leave you with the memories of a lifetime.  So memories I created by going to Chicago with Kevin.

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite you!

Nancy Happiness, JOY, Uncategorized, inspiration, motivation Happiness, joy

My very good friend Marci Calantonio uses these words over and over when we talk.  So when we hear things over and over we learn it and it becomes part of our vocabulary; or I hope so.

What does accountability, responsibility and setting healthy boundaries mean to you?

For me these words simply mean, do what you mean and mean what you do.

I believe it all starts with SELF.

How can we be accountable and responsible to someone else if we can’t be accountable to ourselves?

How do we become accountable and responsible to ourselves?

 By setting healthy boundaries.

In the dictionary the meaning of accountable states, “subject to the obligation to report, explain, or justify something; responsible; answerable.”

Have your YES’s be YES and your NO’s be NO….

How many times have you been asked to do something and your first instinct is to say NO, but then you start to feel guilty or bad and you end up saying YES.  Your authentic self wanted to say NO and your mindful self stated YES.  Now you have conflict going on between your truth (heart) and your mind.

Are you being accountable to yourself?

If the answer is YES then WONDERFUL and if the answer is probably not, then how do we get to this place of accountability and responsibility?

By being TRUE to OURSELVES; by going deep within and nurturing that part of us that has lived out of truth to who we truly are, by changing our core beliefs (our tapes).

To knowing that in that gap where our truth lies is where peace comes from.  The place where we know all is good with the world and we can walk tall in confidence and in total commitment to ourselves. 

Setting healthy boundaries is key to accountability and responsibility.

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite you!

Nancy healthy boundaries, responsiblity accountability, Healthy boundaries, Responsibility

As I said in my last blog – I recommend avoiding “interviewing” when you meet someone online or otherwise.  Some people do ask a lot of questions, mostly because they are insecure and not present with the natural flow of getting to know someone. Asking questions is a fair way to try to establish trust. I have often said that the purpose of communication is to learn to understand each other so we can feel safe enough to love and trust each other. But “interviewing” is this gone overboard, and it is not likely to leave us feeling more trusting after a first or second meeting. 

How do we learn to trust someone? This is a huge question, even if we don’t meet on a dating site.

Answer: move slowly and resolve your own issues.

Moving slowly creates space to learn about the other person in a more natural way. Taking the time to communicate via phone or email before a first meeting can expose people who are prone to getting distracted by the next “shiny new” person. It can expose people who are primarily looking for sex or money. It can give us a chance to learn about someone without subjecting the connection to the pressures of “The Fantasy Bond” (see Internet Dating #2 Getting Beyond the Fantasy or Chapter 23 of my book) or of anxiously asked questions. Moving slowly gives us more opportunities to see if someone is likely to be who they say they are, and it gives us time to self-soothe and work with, own, and resolve, our own trust issues!

Regardless of the relationship or how you meet, it seems that we all know that it is good to move slow, but in many ways few of us do move slowly. I think it is also valuable to notice that most discussion of moving slowly seems to be focused on not having sex too early. But what about after we make love? I think we should continue to try to move slowly after becoming lovers too and get to know someone without rushing too far forward. It will help if we continue to give the relationship and the person room to be themselves and evolve with us.

Another powerful aspect of trust is about learning to be truthful and authentic yourself. You can’t be aware and feel someone else’s misrepresentations when you are busy covering up your own. Notice how many people are complaining about other people’s deceptions, fear of people who are players, lying about age, relationship status, and more? If we are avoiding a hard truth about ourselves we will be less able to sense things in others because the energy we are spending selling our own selves results in our not being present to what the other is sharing (or not sharing) with us. Share honestly and you will attract more honesty.

And lastly, the ultimate in trust is in trusting your own worth. Relax into your value and you will have greater trust in others to do the same. Self-Soothing, Self-Soothing, Self-Sooooottthhhhiiiinnnngggg….

To soothing our wounds and trusting that we are valuable,

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Nancy Peter Kane Dating, insight, internet dating

Napolean famously quipped, “in victory you deserve champagne, in defeat you need it.” 

It’s time to share with you one of my favorite bottle of bubbly – It’s Veuve Clicquot – Her name is Barbe Nicole Clicquot Ponsardin.  She was widowed at the age of 27 and she developed a dynasty.  By the way, veuve in French means widow.

I decided about two years ago that a bottle of Veuve shall always reside in my refrigerator just in case an occasion to celebrate enters my life. 

We must always be prepared to celebrate at a moment’s notice and what a better way to celebrate then with a little bubbly? 

There should always be a reason to celebrate in our lives.  Accomplishments, victories, marriages, graduations, engagements, new loves, old loves, promotions, raises, winning the lottery and of course, in honor of this evening – New Years Eve, which signifies the end of the old and the beginning of the new! 

These are the victories of life…… 

Like Napolean stated, then there are the times when you need it for the defeats – pressures of life, a job loss, a very hard day, divorces for some, even a very bad hair day.  How better to take the ease off a bad day then to open a bottle of bubbly! 

How to open a bottle of champagne….

I have been reading the book, “The Widow Clicquot” by Tilar J. Mazzeo; for this new years eve blog, I will give you a tip from the book on how to open a bottle of champagne.  “You know you are in the presence of an expert when there is no pop at all.  As she put it, it should sound (ahem) like the sigh of a woman when you are making love.  Only in France!  First, chill your champagne.  The best method is to give it a half hour in a bucket that is filled half with water and half with ice.  Chilled champagne tastes better froths less.  Then, when you are ready to pour yourself some of that bubbly, of course you need to remove the foil and the wire cage around the cork.  Then the trick is very simple; you hold the cork lightly with one hand and turn the bottom of the bottle slowly with the other hand.  The key is turning the bottle rather than the cork.  You should hear the sigh.  Until you are really expert, it’s a good idea to put a kitchen towel over the cork, just in case you get it wrong. 

To pour a glass of champagne without spilling it everywhere, you simply need to practice patience – hard to do when you’re opening a bottle of something delicious.  Pour just an inch or so into the flute.  Let it settle down.  Pour another third.  Let it settle down.  Then, finally, top it off with bubbles and raise a glass.  Or two…..

The pop of a cork and the bright sparkle of bubbles mean celebration and glamour, the distinct possibility of romance!

Champagne Trivia:  Champagne wasn’t discovered by the French.  It was the British who first learned the secret of making wine sparkle. 

So out with the old and in with the new and let’s join together in celebration – I invite you to celebrate new beginnings– now I know why the term “bubbly personality” – how wonderful if you are coined with this “term” for it states that you are always rising in the bubbles of life……

Raise your glass this evening and make it a year of changing your thoughts and changing your mind to a more positive way of thinking…..Saluti

HAPPY 2012, MUCH JOY, PROSPERITY, AND NEW WAYS OF THINKING, REMEMBER TO LOVE, LOVE AND LOVE SOME MORE!!!!

Remember, may the possibilities of 2012 excite us all!

Nancy Celebration Celebration, Champagne, friendships, new beginnings

Joy is a prayer – Joy is strength – Joy is love – Joy is a net of love by which you catch souls…Mother Teresa

This Christmas Season I want to make sure I express my gratitude to each one of you for reading my blogs and to my subscribers for being there for me with your comments of love and joy….by the way, this will be my last post until 12/31/11 when I will write about the Bubbly; a much needed break…..

This is the season of peace and joy and I wish each one of you God’s peace and joy in abundance…

We hear the words peace and joy during the Christmas Season, but how wonderful it would be if we heard these words all year through?

To live in God’s peace and his abundant joy is truly a blessing not only to us but to those around us.

What does living in peace, joy and happiness look like to you?

To me it looks like a life of serenity, mindfulness, awareness, inner strength and full of gratitude.  To be aligned with my GOD, my divine source – mind, body and spirit is a place of peace, joy and happiness….

Is it possible? – YES, of course it is –

According to current research, in the determination of a person’s level of happiness, genetics accounts for about 50 percent; life circumstances, such as age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation, and religious affiliation, account for about 10 to 20 percent , and the remainder is a product of how a person thinks and acts.  In other words, people have an inborn disposition that’s set within a certain range, but they can boost themselves to the top of their happiness range or push themselves down to the bottom of their happiness range by their actions.  In my humble opinion, people’s decisions about how to live their lives affect their happiness.  I can get into the age old question of what is happiness but that will be saved for a later blog post.

Knowing that there is something bigger than us guiding our steps is a key element.  So in this season of joy, peace and happiness make sure you allow yourself this gift.  For it truly is a gift!  

My Christmas Wish for each one of you

A big, beautiful, heart full of love, with light beams that extend for miles and miles ahead washing away any sadness that may appear in the distance and replacing it with joy, wonder, belief in the magic, trust in the knowing, that we are all in this together and we are truly loved.

May God Bless Each One of You

And May HIS abundant JOY fill your hearts with LOVE….

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite us all….

Nancy Happiness, JOY, Peace peace joy happiness Christmas

Romcoms?  Starbucks?  Dinner with great friends?  Hiking in the mountains?  Dancing around the house…naked?  The holiday decorations at Macy’s?

This is a time to be unabashedly honest with yourself and NO JUDGEMENT ALLOWED!  Every time I sit down with someone in my cozy office (presently glowing with holiday decorations), this question inevitably comes up. 

“What brings you joy?” 

For a lot of people, the answer is, “I’m really not sure.”  I often get people staring at me in a state of wonder…wondering why answering this question hasn’t been more important to them before. 

Here is why taking the time to answer this question is indeed soooo important; it’s because, if we want to invite more JOY into our lives, we first have to know what makes us FEEL JOYOUS!  So how do we go about finding our joy?  The first step is to go out there and EXPLORE your world with fresh eyes, and a totally open heart.  Yes, I completely appreciate that this may sound a bit cliché and cheesy even.  However, hopefully you can get past that and really hear what I am asking you to do.  Exploring your world may mean, stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying new things.  If you find yourself sabotaging your attempts to explore, by hearing and inner monologue something like, “don’t try that you will hate it…” and so on, tell yourself, “thank you for sharing, but people change and I’m going to try it anyways.”

The fact that people are changing all the time, is a really important thing to take into account while exploring for joy.  People do change and something that you may not have enjoyed at one point may be something that you would really love now.   This is why having fresh eyes, and an open heart is so important while doing this!  One way to encourage yourself to explore your world a bit more, is to make a list of things you want to do this season.  It may look like…

1. Go Ice Skating, or a hike, or a walk on the beach (depends where you live)
2. See a holiday concert or show
3. Meet a friend for hot chocolate at a new coffee shop
4. Look at Ticketmaster and buy tickets to an event
5. Go to the Art Museum
6. Send out an inspiring email to your friends and family 
7. Try a winter sport that you thought you would never do
8. Go to a  holiday party that you would originally have declined
9. Go Christmas shopping in a town or city you haven’t been to yet
10. Take a kid (yours or borrow one) to see Santa

Your list can look like anything you want! So start exploring and getting to know yourself a bit more.  Start every morning with, “Hello JOY, this is _________, I want to formally invite you to spend the day with me.”  Will you feel a bit silly doing this?  Most likely, yes.  But, isn’t being silly a great way to invoke the energy of joy?

Wishing you a season of unlimited JOY!

Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD, CHt

www.healingplacecounseling.com

Nancy Erin Williams, Insight, JOY, inspiration, motivation joy

by Peter Kane

Have you ever had a blind date?

That’s what internet dating is, a self arranged blind date.

Do people still have blind dates? In either case, coffee seems to be the agreed norm for a first meeting. The simplicity of coffee helps you get a first impression without spending unnecessary time and effort. Personally, it has been important to me to express care and interest by offering a woman more “real date” choices and like “Coffee, Lunch, or Dinner.” She can then decide how simple of a meeting she would like.

In my experience of online searching (internet dating) this kind of chivalry has also resulted in some awkward moments, like the time I was sitting in a restaurant window waiting to have brunch with a woman who I had yet to meet. I saw a woman who looked similar but about 15 years older and 30 pounds heavier parking outside the window. I slowly realized it was probably my date and I considered escaping out the back door of the restaurant. I remained, and did my best to respectfully share and pay for a nice brunch with a divine soul.

So yes, there is nothing wrong with a simple amount of communication and a simple coffee. I have even heard of a rather extreme ground rule which suggested only a 20 minute coffee, followed by a mandatory 3 day waiting period before following up to see if a real date is mutually desired. Now that’s one way to get your “people pleaser” out of the equation!

When You Meet

Try not to interview (or be interviewed). Keep the name, rank, and serial number questions and statements to a minimum at first. Avoid sounding like you are trying to learn about their relationship difficulties, how crazy, or how prosperous they are. Instead, communicate more organically and have conversations involving life, interests, activities and feelings. This will include learning things about them, but don’t ask too many questions. It is better to be interested in depth about a few things than get a superficial picture of their entire life. Also, if you are talking about each other’s experience on Match.com at a first meeting it is a sign that you are not connecting. You can figure out if they have been online dating for over 10 years later, that is, if you see them again!

How Many People?

Create the space to get to know someone. It is not really possible to get to know more than three people at a time. I have heard it said that you should communicate with no more than three people at a time for the purpose of dating one. I think this means try not to write and or schedule meetings with more than three people at a time (or during a given week). So, if you need a spreadsheet to remember people, you are probably talking too too many. And no notepads! Treat people like real people and you will be more apt to attract honest and real people.

What makes a first meeting work best for you?

 Have you ever speed dated?

How much do you like to talk/write before meeting and why?

I would love to hear your thoughts. I will be continuing with part IV of this series soon.

To Courage, Trust and Patience,

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Nancy Peter Kane Dating, internet dating, love

We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect…….instead of accepting.

My Question is: 

“Why don’t we drop our expectations and open ourselves up to being pleasantly surprised by life and the people around us each day?”

Allowing your past and yourself to be proven wrong, while accepting and looking for new possibilities or behaviors that you like; can free you up to receive amazing results.

What’s normal and expected isn’t always what life delivers – these are the surprises, the AH-HA moments, the triumphants or the disappointments that come our way.

When there are expectations in life and these expectations are not met, resentment happens towards another and yourself.  When we expect to be the best and we don’t do our best in our perfect minds, then we disappoint ourselves; don’t get me wrong here, I am a proponent to strive for your best, but the key here is to not be so hard on yourself when you fall short of the best.  To live in expectations is so much more difficult then living in acceptance.  Think of the times that you’ve been in expectation.  Let’s take for example you have a new love in your life or even an existing love and your birthday is coming up.  He comes to you and says:

“I have a very special surprise planned for us for Saturday night for your birthday.”

Right away our surprise sensory goes off in our brain and we start to manufacture these great surprises, we envision, we know that he knows exactly what we want and thus it’s in the bag and we feel even more excited.  We can’t wait until Saturday night we may even go as far as asking a few times because we can’t stand it.

What is it about surprises that we love so much but yet can’t wait to hear what that surprise is?

Saturday rolls around and you are expecting to be surprised.  Remember the expectation has been building as each day goes by.  You get ready and you leave the house and what you expected and hoped to happen does not!

Disappointment fills your heart because your plan was for a romantic candlelight dinner for two, maybe even flowers thrown into the mix.  You are not happy – you expected something else and you got another!

How could all this have been different?

ONE WORD – ACCEPTANCE….

To accept a surprise was coming your way and being in gratitude from the first time you heard that something was being done for “YOU”; instead of creating expectations in our heads and later being disappointed.  Living life at it’s fullest - living in the spirt of the moment!

In optimism there is MAGIC

In pessimism there is NOTHING

In positive acceptance there is thrill of SUCCESS

So next time we are confronted with expectations versus acceptance which road will you choose?

Do you have a story to share where you expected and you were disappointed?

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite us all!

Nancy Expectations, encouragement, inspiration acceptance, awakening, encouargement, Expectations, insight, inspiration, motivation