Believing in the Somewhere Place
Words of Nicole Rushin
If I can write honestly for a moment – I have a birthday coming up in only 9 months! I know I will be laughed at by many of you who have passed this milestone, but for some reason this number bothers me, it itches, I want to throw it off.
The thought of being 39 for the last time sits with me, shakes her head, gives me a sideways glance and says, ‘You’re not exactly where I thought you would be.’ As if I have disappointed my demanding inner child.
I want new pictures taken for my online profiles, but I am afraid they won’t look the way I see myself. To be quite frank, when I look in the mirror I still see a young face. For the first time in my life I see smoothness and radiance. Where did this light come from?
I keep hearing that it only matters how we see ourselves, but there is some disconcerting imbalance between what I see and the feeling of not being somewhere. Where is this somewhere? Can I be radiant without reaching?
Oprah used to celebrate women in their forties. Hmph! I guess she bypassed forty and left all of us behind. I see no Oil of Olay ads in my future anyway. Maybe there is still time to make her recommended book list before the clock winds down.
Where is the celebration? The triumph? Balloons? Will there be those? Maybe I can just put in my ear buds and listen to Jack Johnson on a beach somewhere. Again – that somewhere. And how can I schedule this vacation without my inner child finding me?
I guess she’s kind of cute anyway with her snow blonde hair and curious blue eyes. (Maybe she is no harder on me than I ever was on her.) And what a dreamer! On the swing set alone she pumps her legs with all her might until finally, finally she is airborne and flying in that place of maybe and what if.
What if people had purple faces? What if we had three arms or what would life be like with no moon?
She has the ability to be with no place to be.
I look out the window as she carries rocks to the wild petunias. She tells me the Mimi Spirits need them. I believe her and later on I will help her carry rocks so the spirits can slip in and out of our world.
I suppose my thirties have been an accumulation of finding my somewhere, of never arriving, packing my bags, leaving, staying and finally realizing that life is never about the arrival. You find your free space, your somewhere, when you finally stop pumping your legs.
“So child, if we are not exactly where you thought we would be where should we go?”
She pulls at her blue plaid dress because it itches and she wants to throw it off. She jumps off the bottom step like it is the leap of her death, and says, “Let’s go put words together like we did yesterday. You know the way they lean like the little baby cosmos on the fence!” She pinches her fingers together to show me how small they are.
“Where will we get the words?” I ask.
“They’r under the rocks – yu know,” she pulls her dress over her head. I love the way it hangs on her nose and lingers in her sweaty hair. Such freedom. Digging for words under rocks is always better in dirt stained underwear.
At 39 I guess I am realizing there was never anywhere to go. If I had ever waited long enough life would have blown me where I needed to be. People and faces come in on unpredictable winds. People leave, situations change. We create goals and intend our plans, climb a ladder to nowhere only to realize our somewhere was already everywhere.
And here is the radiance. Blue jeans and farm fencing. Dogs that come when you call their names. Pillows! Pillows everywhere, rain and tiny drops of cream and sugar in your coffee… (I am pinching my fingers together to show you how tiny the drops are.)
Turning the corner I pick up the blue plaid dress from the summer lawn. Maybe this itchy number was about freeing my inner child all along. Maybe it was about me believing in her dream.
Believing that the somewhere place could simply be here.
Bio
Nicole Rushin quietly manages her blog Writing as Loud as I Can @ nicolerushin.com where she writes and talks about poetry, dreams, growth, her journey of writing and what it feels like to let go of the pen. She publishes a monthly pdf e-book called Dream-Speak.
Thanks so much for inviting me to write for you Nancy!
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
I am honored to have you write for MakeGirlfriends.com and all the wonderful people that visit this site.
Know that I am grateful for your words!
Nancy
A wonderful reminder today on my birthday; The grown up in me counts and keeps track of my journey. But to include the child inside is less about the count and more about the uncomplicated fun and joy of each moment. Thank you Nicole!
@David
Since I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet you – I can honestly say you have an inner child that is dying to have fun. Happy Birthday! What are the two of you going to do today?
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
Lovely post Nicole. You are right – somewhere is right here right now. But, with a sense of dissatisfaction we push ourselves to move that somewhere to over there, that’s growth. If we stayed where we were we would stagnate. So I suppose somewhere is always with us, along for the ride, sitting in our pocket. Every now and then though we should take it out and have a good look at it.
Stuart recently posted..Why most people don’t achieve their dreams
Chuckling at you from down the road. What you learn by this milepost is that:
You were always using the wrong map.
You should rely more on the signs along the way.
Stop at the scenic overlooks to take them in.
You are always the driver and the child in the backseat.
The destination you arrive at will not be the one you set out for.
There are more but they are for another rest stop. Remember, you could have taken a plane but you would have missed everything in between.
Enjoy the journey. Savor your memories.
Andrea Parnell recently posted..Writing Tips: Naming Your Characters
@Stuart
Much agreed Stuart. The ‘now’ comes along for the ride everywhere we go. It might just be that everything we do is an attempt to find joy in the now. The paradox is that we have to move and change to find it. Life is so mysterious that way.
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
@Andrea Parnell
Hi Andrea!
I recently lost my map and probably missed my plane. I am on a slow boat ride downstream – and enjoying the ride. Most days there is nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I show up for the pen and tiny drops of cream in my coffee.
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
There’s really 2 ‘somewheres’ in my mind.
The somewhere where I am today and the somewhere that’s open to discover that I’ll find at some point in the future. I’m 53 and my wife, Pam, is 50. No matter where you are in life and at what age, you are so incredibly right for both you and for someone else – never be concerned or worried by what others think because that’s their issue, not yours.
You’re already at that somewhere right now and you’ll magically discover your next somewhere when it’s right.
Martin Cooney recently posted..Erectile Dysfunction – A Woman’s Guide To Understanding ED
Great post Nicole and I think you realized one of the most important things in life: it is not about the future, it is about the present. It is not about where we get, but about the journey.
Mariella Lombardi recently posted..How to Do a Squat if You Are a Beginner
Nicole, make your birthday a special day for yourself and not for others.
I appreciate my birthdays with very few, but real friends. And I do not mean this in comparison to online friends. I do not let anyone know when my birthday is. I tell them that I celebrate it every couple of years. I am in my fifties and I feel a lot better as when I was in my thirits. There are so manny wonderful moments in life, which I did not see when I was a lot younger. With the years you add value to your life, which is seen in your face!
@Martin Cooney
Hi Martin. Thanks for commenting.
It is always their issue. But isn’t it strange that once it comes into our realm of reality it becomes part of our dialogue, part of our collective story. Every thing is perception and how we react.
Even at 50 and 53 I suppose you can relate to this strange feeling of always thinking you should be somewhere or feeling like you have achieved something because others tell us we should. It is simply a funny number on a calendar.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
@Mariella Lombardi
Living in the now. This all any vision story or goal ever teaches us. The best plans do nothing but create more presence in our lives. In the end all we will ever have is a collection of nows.
Thanks so much for commenting.
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
@Christa Herzog
That sounds like a great way to celebrate. I often wonder why society puts so much emphasis on birthdays. I kind of view it the same as getting on a scale. If I ever had to see a doctor I would close my eyes and tell them not to tell me how much I weigh. My clothes fit – I look fine. I don’t want a number to dictate how I feel about myself. It can’t be the same for a birthday because we all know the day we came into this life. If we could only celebrate without feeling strange about the number. Maybe I will fill my house with red balloons! Maybe I will make a great and gracious thing out of it!
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
Nicole, that was so beautiful I got chills. So sweet and self-loving. My 40s were when my life blossomed. That was the decade of inner transformation. So I look back at them with gratitude. Maybe they be a decade of blessings for you!
Galen Pearl recently posted..Missing Sadie
Dear Nicole,
Reading your post reminds me of a quote Oprah shared:
“All the money in the world doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t have time to enjoy it”.
I think this what birthdays are here to remind us, living in the now is an art of being, a way to remind us that time exists only according to the meaning we are giving to it.
It’s about being grateful as Galen says.
Thanks Nancy and Nicole for this beautiful and powerful message for all women;)
Patricia Gozlan recently posted..How to Get Unstuck: Solving Problems Tips, Through a Revolutionary Point of View
@Galen Pearl
Hi Galen!
Well chills are a good thing! I spent my thirties being lost so I hope my forties will be good to me. I hope they are as you say – years of inner transformation. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
@Patricia Gozlan
Hi Patricia,
This so true. I see so many people who appear to be running. They are so busy and I just don’t know where they are trying to get. I often think that if you can’t enjoy your time without money how will you enjoy it with money. I have done a lot of slowing down over the last year. I used to be a ‘runner’ (a mental runner) so I can spot them a mile away. The excuses people make to not deal with the things that matter are amazingly clever.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Menageries and Clipped Wings
Nicole: You are a beautiful writer! I am going to check out your site sometime. I liked the point because sometimes I believe that we have to grateful for the goodness in our lives.
39 years young and I believe you have found your place. I think that sometimes we must open our eyes wide. Then maybe we can see that we are right where we need to be.
Plus, I believe that there is a time and a place for everything. With patience everything will unfold just as it should, at least this is what I believe.
Thanks for the wisdom!
Best wishes,
William Veasley
William Veasley recently posted..The Pursuit of Happiness
I was where you are – considering my life – a few years ago. I think that God has blessed me. Based on where I’ve come from, I’m way past where I (and others) thought I would be today. This is cause for celebration.
I’ve taught myself to believe that wrinkles and getting older are blessings that show me I’ve lived for a long time.
Yes, it is a hard one to swallow, but it’s true. A wrinkled hand of a grandmother is a blessing of long life. So many don’t reach the point at which the flesh on their hands start to wrinkle.
Anne recently posted..Confident Honk
@William Veasley
Thank-you William,
Yes, sometimes we have to open our eyes wide. Wide-eyed like a child to see clearly where we are. If we can only find the blessings in the now it makes the journey so much more enjoyable.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
Happy Birthday Nicole!
Great post. I just had my birthday last month and am still celebrating it! It really is all in how you look at it. I had no issues with turning forty and know that fifty will be even better!You’re right, it’s all about appreciating the everyday moments and choosing happiness.
@Anne
Hi Anne,
This reminds me of a beautiful photograph that is in a book about Stanley Kunitz. He was a poet and an avid gardener. The book is called ‘The Wild Braid: A Poet Reflects on a Century in the Garden’. There is a photograph in the book of his hands with garden dirt on them. It is a wonderful book. One of my favorites. I could tell a million stories or write a million more poems from that image.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
@Tonya Sheridan
Hi Tonya,
Well, I guess I still have 9 more months to prepare. Maybe I am over-preparing! But here’s to living and appreciating the now! We should all receive balloons for that.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
Hi Nancy,
Nicole is really a talented writer. The article kept me breathless, and yet at the same time it reminded me of those days when I was exiting the 3rd floor and moving to the 4th floor. I wonder whether I will experience the same when I move over to the next floor
Elizabeth recently posted..Ezine Advertising and Its Importance For Business Success
Hi Elizabeth,
Yes Nicole is a really talented writer. Isn’t it funny how things remind us of other things and the results is “all good”! It will even be better as you move over to the next floor.
Nancy
Nicole,
My “hard” birthday was 30, I had recently been divorced and I honestly believed that when I got married it was for life. I was a sinlge mother of 2, an active duty Marine far from home and any support, wondering where do I go from here and deeply depressed because I was someplace I never thought I’d be, divorced.
I’ve had two decades with of birthdays since then and they are always a time of reflecion, but also a time of counting my blessings!
Jean
30 Days of Gratitude Coach
https://www.socgratitude.com
What a lovely post. Yes, it’s not the destination at all. It’s all about the journey. I love how you switched your voice between your inner child and you. Lovely. Fast and furious too.
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Reconnecting you to your Original Blueprint, Your Essence, Your Joy| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | The Reconnection| Reconnective Art |
http://thereconnectivehighway.com
I thought 30 was going to be hard, then 40 and then 50. None were hard and I discover I still feel the same me anyway – does that mean my inner child is alive and kicking?
Louise Edington
The Networking Naturopath
http;//louiseedington.com
Louise Edington recently posted..Perfect Imperfections
Nancy, I wish I could tell you that all will be revealed over the next decade, and that 49 is much better than 39. But, it’s not better, it’s just different. I though you would appreciate this quote from Margaret Atwood (ironically, I just posted this on my FB page yesterday): “I believe that everyone else my age is an adult whereas I am merely in disguise.”
Kim D. recently posted..By: Kim D
@Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks so much! I am so glad you enjoyed reading the post. I hope it brought back good memories for you.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
@Jean
Hi Jean,
I recently went through a divorce as well. I think overall relationships are suppose to help us grow and if they are stifling they just don’t work. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been being a single Mom. I don’t have any children, but I know it is a path that requires lots of patience.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
@Julieanne Case
Thanks Julieanne,
That curious inner child – she always wins in the end. I would follow her anywhere. Even if she does interrupt my conversations a lot.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
@Louise Edington
Hi Louise,
Yes, that is exactly what it means. She is alive and kicking. I am sure I will move through this birthday much easier after all of these wonderful comments.
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
Hi Nicole, Loved your post….I didn’t know it was possible to find so many wonderful words under a rock…;)I felt like going to play with that little girl. She is lovely, imaginative and funny. I also want to hang out with that girl…the one turning 40 soon with so much radiance in and all around her. We could lie down on these fluffy pillows and dip our lollipop in our coffee…LOL
Nathalie Villeneuve recently posted..Tame Your Dragons For a More Fulfilled Life
Oh – lollipops in coffee? What a grand idea! Sounds like a date to me Nathalie! Glad you enjoyed the words as much as I enjoyed digging for them.
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
Very lovely thoughts Nicole, I think your 40′s are a time of enlightenment – from wherever we each start – but I was never so poetic and hadn’t realised that the somewhere place was here when I hit 40 – so you’ve got a head start on me, but I still feel no different to 29 – I’ve just got more pillows!!
beautiful words – I’ll read again when I visit Nancy’s blog again
Jacs Henderson recently posted..So, How Does Network Marketing on the Internet Work?
As my mother would say, “I’m getting old, I’m getting better!” I believe age is an mindset. Some of the most beautiful women I have met have been in their 40′s. Wear it with honor. Remember, many never make it to see 40.
Thank you for sharing!!
Christy Abram recently posted..Balance your body in 8 steps
@Jacs Henderson
Hi Jacs,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I often don’t feel so different than 29 either. More pillows simply means more time to dream!
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape
@Christy Abram
Hi Christy,
Yes, getting older means getting better. I have never felt like I was meant for a short stint in this life. I think I will be around a while. I have always felt that way. So overall, 40 is way less than mid-way. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Nicole~
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Conversations in the Dreamscape