by Peter Kane

While I have coached my clients about how to best use online dating sites for many years it was only a few years ago I tried it for myself. I have only used Match.com a few times since and each time I would only have my profile visible for a week or two. A few of the times I pulled my profile because I had met someone with whom I was pursuing a relationship. Other times, I hid my profile because I wanted privacy – I felt sensitive to having my profile seen in the community and wanted to reduce the chances of my clients seeing it.

Of all my opinions and experiences with online dating, when to hide or remove your profile, is probably the area where my feelings have changed or expanded the most. At first, I nearly felt that if I kissed someone that I should hide my profile (and vise versa). As a man who has a strong investment in being sexually appropriate and respectful, I certainly felt that once I was clear that I wanted to be lovers with someone that I should remove my profile. I also felt vulnerable if the other person kept their profile visible when they were seeing me.

I was once even offended and hurt when someone with whom I had a strong second date (which included some kissing, and plans to see each other again soon), seemed to be very active online, or as Match said “online now.” I had another woman whom I became lovers with keep her profile up, and when I asked her about it she said ‘she wanted to be monogamous but she also felt we should be open about meeting other people….. And, if she did become lovers with someone else that she would not expect to continue seeing me.’ She did take her profile down soon after, only to put it back up again weeks later. While I am not the most jealous person in the world I did instinctively know to look for her profile, and when I saw it, I discussed it with her and told her I could not go “deep” with someone who was “shopping.” Her Facebook page seems to indicate that she was shopping for someone with more discretionary income than I had.

I had another two-month relationship with someone I met on Match.com end when she put her profile back up without telling me. When I asked her about this, she said ‘that’s how I meet friends.’ I promptly ended that too.

So, what is right for you? What do you need? Here are some variables I think it is helpful to consider:

-Hiding or removing your profile may help to develop trust.

-We also need to move as slow as we can, and some people may feel pressured of suffocated if you remove your profile.

-Discuss this with the person you are dating and be clear on what it all means to each of you.

-Try to not behave like an addict that is always online. That’s not sexy.

-Remember that we can’t trust Match.com’s clock or what it really means to be “online now.”

-Consider minimizing the time you go online by: Not responding to emails that don’t interest you; Saving or printing profiles that interest you so you can look at them again without being online; Doing all your correspondence once or twice a week; and moving to regular email with people you are communicating with ASAP. I am guessing the validity of these ideas would vary from site to site, and would change over time as these sites change. Do you do these? What else?

-Additionally, I think it is best to not have your profile up for long periods of time. The first week I tried Match, I had a very sweet woman tell me ‘Peter, you don’t want to keep your profile up for too long, it is weird seeing the same people over and over.’ As time went on I definitely noticed this too. There were times when I wasn’t seeing anyone and would look at profiles, and I would see the same people over and over. In general, I think most of us are less likely to trust these people. We are apt to view them as players or serial daters.

-Remember your worth. It might be a good thing if the person you are dating is still online. It might help them realize how amazing you are.

This last idea speaks the most to what has evolved for me about online dating and when to hide or remove your profile. I have relaxed a bit. How someone deals with their profile and how they communicate with me would still be a key to my trusting them (See Internet Dating Parts I-IV). I would also remember to be impeccable, congruent and integral with your own participation. But also try to relax and see life as a global village of friends, who in this case, are trying to find a pen pal, friend, lover or partner.

And as a central theme of my book says:

May we all have “The Strength to Want.”

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Peter Kane awakening, insight, inspiration, internet dating, motivation

As I said in my last blog – I recommend avoiding “interviewing” when you meet someone online or otherwise.  Some people do ask a lot of questions, mostly because they are insecure and not present with the natural flow of getting to know someone. Asking questions is a fair way to try to establish trust. I have often said that the purpose of communication is to learn to understand each other so we can feel safe enough to love and trust each other. But “interviewing” is this gone overboard, and it is not likely to leave us feeling more trusting after a first or second meeting. 

How do we learn to trust someone? This is a huge question, even if we don’t meet on a dating site.

Answer: move slowly and resolve your own issues.

Moving slowly creates space to learn about the other person in a more natural way. Taking the time to communicate via phone or email before a first meeting can expose people who are prone to getting distracted by the next “shiny new” person. It can expose people who are primarily looking for sex or money. It can give us a chance to learn about someone without subjecting the connection to the pressures of “The Fantasy Bond” (see Internet Dating #2 Getting Beyond the Fantasy or Chapter 23 of my book) or of anxiously asked questions. Moving slowly gives us more opportunities to see if someone is likely to be who they say they are, and it gives us time to self-soothe and work with, own, and resolve, our own trust issues!

Regardless of the relationship or how you meet, it seems that we all know that it is good to move slow, but in many ways few of us do move slowly. I think it is also valuable to notice that most discussion of moving slowly seems to be focused on not having sex too early. But what about after we make love? I think we should continue to try to move slowly after becoming lovers too and get to know someone without rushing too far forward. It will help if we continue to give the relationship and the person room to be themselves and evolve with us.

Another powerful aspect of trust is about learning to be truthful and authentic yourself. You can’t be aware and feel someone else’s misrepresentations when you are busy covering up your own. Notice how many people are complaining about other people’s deceptions, fear of people who are players, lying about age, relationship status, and more? If we are avoiding a hard truth about ourselves we will be less able to sense things in others because the energy we are spending selling our own selves results in our not being present to what the other is sharing (or not sharing) with us. Share honestly and you will attract more honesty.

And lastly, the ultimate in trust is in trusting your own worth. Relax into your value and you will have greater trust in others to do the same. Self-Soothing, Self-Soothing, Self-Sooooottthhhhiiiinnnngggg….

To soothing our wounds and trusting that we are valuable,

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Peter Kane Dating, insight, internet dating

by Peter Kane

Have you ever had a blind date?

That’s what internet dating is, a self arranged blind date.

Do people still have blind dates? In either case, coffee seems to be the agreed norm for a first meeting. The simplicity of coffee helps you get a first impression without spending unnecessary time and effort. Personally, it has been important to me to express care and interest by offering a woman more “real date” choices and like “Coffee, Lunch, or Dinner.” She can then decide how simple of a meeting she would like.

In my experience of online searching (internet dating) this kind of chivalry has also resulted in some awkward moments, like the time I was sitting in a restaurant window waiting to have brunch with a woman who I had yet to meet. I saw a woman who looked similar but about 15 years older and 30 pounds heavier parking outside the window. I slowly realized it was probably my date and I considered escaping out the back door of the restaurant. I remained, and did my best to respectfully share and pay for a nice brunch with a divine soul.

So yes, there is nothing wrong with a simple amount of communication and a simple coffee. I have even heard of a rather extreme ground rule which suggested only a 20 minute coffee, followed by a mandatory 3 day waiting period before following up to see if a real date is mutually desired. Now that’s one way to get your “people pleaser” out of the equation!

When You Meet

Try not to interview (or be interviewed). Keep the name, rank, and serial number questions and statements to a minimum at first. Avoid sounding like you are trying to learn about their relationship difficulties, how crazy, or how prosperous they are. Instead, communicate more organically and have conversations involving life, interests, activities and feelings. This will include learning things about them, but don’t ask too many questions. It is better to be interested in depth about a few things than get a superficial picture of their entire life. Also, if you are talking about each other’s experience on Match.com at a first meeting it is a sign that you are not connecting. You can figure out if they have been online dating for over 10 years later, that is, if you see them again!

How Many People?

Create the space to get to know someone. It is not really possible to get to know more than three people at a time. I have heard it said that you should communicate with no more than three people at a time for the purpose of dating one. I think this means try not to write and or schedule meetings with more than three people at a time (or during a given week). So, if you need a spreadsheet to remember people, you are probably talking too too many. And no notepads! Treat people like real people and you will be more apt to attract honest and real people.

What makes a first meeting work best for you?

 Have you ever speed dated?

How much do you like to talk/write before meeting and why?

I would love to hear your thoughts. I will be continuing with part IV of this series soon.

To Courage, Trust and Patience,

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Peter Kane Dating, internet dating, love

by Peter Kane

Fantasy and The Fantasy Bond (Chapter 23 of my book, “The Monogamy Challenge“) are important issues to address in all relationships, but fantasy may be at its highest in internet dating.  It is natural that as you read profiles you will be hoping that this person is “The One” or at least a suitable date. 

How do you get from this fantasy to a real date or friendship?

First, by working with your tendency to Fantasy Bond in general.  Fantasy Bonding is the tendency to bond to the fantasy of who we need the person to be rather than the reality of who they are.  In our need to have good parents, jobs, friends, or partners, we inevitably project ideals onto people and situations.  Some of the hope and enthusiasm that is part of this is good, but it is fair to say that it is important to also work to be more grounded as a relationship is developing.  The stronger we get on all levels, the more we will have skills at self-soothing and comforting our selves from within, the more we will be able to enjoy a new relationship with less tendency to rush into the projected fantasy that we have found “Mr. or Ms. Right.”

Connecting this to online searching is somewhat obvious.  The problem with fantasy is exacerbated by others who may be misrepresenting themselves.  Old photo’s, lying about age, married men, people who are on the rebound and not available for the relationship they claim to want, women who just want a companion to buy dinner, men and women who just want flings or sex, the list goes on.

How do you sort through this?

Sometimes slowly, others by meeting quickly:

I would say that a woman should never respond to a wink.  Winks and cut and paste emails are simply a way to cast a broad net. We can’t assume that the broad net is because the broadcaster is married, a serial dater, sex addict, or has such low self-esteem that they are just trying to get anyone to respond, but the chances of these issues go up with winks, cut and pastes.  So, if we respond to only inquiries that indicate the person has read our profile we are likely to be communicating with more of real person. (If you use cut and paste yourself, I think that is fine as long as you are customizing each one, and only writing people that you feel might be a fit.) I think the rules on this may differ for men and women because of the belief that relationships work best when a man does more initiating.  I think it’s okay if women want to use winks as a way to ‘ping’ a man, and I would recommend men write back if interested.  I do also think it is fine for women to write men (I should save the nearly vast and subtle topic of who initiates and how much, for another time). I also think it can be helpful for anyone to use a “favorites” feature as a way to indicate interest.

Next, is the issue of how much to write before talking and how much to talk (if at all) before meeting.  I don’t think this is an either/or issue.  There are pros and cons to each.  Writing and or talking a lot before meeting can definitely be part of the problem with fantasy bonding.  It can be a way that someone tries to create a connection before revealing a misrepresentation.  If we do little writing or talking first we also can waste an hour of our time meeting for coffee when we could have used writing or talking to discover more first. This can be further illustrated by noting that writing back and forth a bit can expose the players.  A player will not be as likely to keep an email communication moving.

The real key is for you to follow and understand your own preferences.

Which is best for you?

Communicating more or less before meeting?

Once you meet it is important to continue to mitigate the effects of the fantasy bond and how to work with that will be the topic of an upcoming blog.

To the courage to reach for what we want,

Peter

http://www.PeterKane.org

Peter Kane Dating, internet dating, love

by Peter Kane

Readers of my book have been asking me how online dating fits into “The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy.  I have LOTS to say about this.  Dating and online dating will be the focus of my next few blogs.

First, let’s be precise and note that online dating doesn’t actually exist.  Online searching does.  Looking at profiles, exchanging emails, talking on the phone, and even having coffee are not dating.  These communications are steps toward meeting someone to date. 

Dating is what begins after we are beginning a connection with a real person. 

This would mean that Internet dating begins after we connect outside of the Internet.  As long as we are still attached to the online aspect, we are potentially still in a “shopping” mode that will cause some problems.  This will be clearer in future blogs when I talk about some valuable, “do’s and don’ts.”  And it is not just the men who shop.  Many women sabotage the process of connecting by being in a shopping mode.

Next, let’s give the Internet some credit.  Dating sites would not exist if they were not a valuable way to find a suitable date, lover or partner.  I have long said, “Spirit knows more single people than we do.”  This means it helps if we trust the laws of attraction. Most of us are only looking for one person.  So whatever the odds of that person existing are, it helps if we trust the metaphysical process of asking for them to come into our lives.  Now with the Internet, spirit has a database.  We can express our needs and desires and reach across town and start a conversation.

Another way I like to describe this value is to imagine that we are single and attending a social event with 100 people.  Perhaps half of those in attendance are in relationships.  Another half are the wrong sex. Others are not close enough in age, body type and so on.  We might be in a room of 100 people but only two of them would be suitable for us to consider dating.  How do we find them without neon signs?  At least when we are looking on a dating website we are looking at people who claim to want a relationship.

Now for some of the pitfalls, (which in the next blogs I will help solve) of online dating.  It seems to stimulate the addictive, perfectionist, serial dating, shopping, fantasy based compulsions, which result in habits of “seeking, but not finding,” the relationship we claim to want.

I like to sum this up by saying, “it can be dangerous to give a kid the keys to the candy store.” In my book, I talk about many ways that “closed systems” stifle relationships, but it is also possible that Internet dating and even Facebook have created so much openness that they have given us some new hurdles in our intimate and monogamous relationships.

Before my next blog, I would love to hear you thoughts, feelings, ideas, and stories about Internet dating.

Have you tried it?

What worked?

What didn’t?

To speaking up and reaching for our hearts desire,

Peter

http://www.PeterKane.org

Peter Kane love, online dating, romance

by Peter Kane

One of the more abstract themes of my work and my book is Self-Soothing. Regardless of our issues, or the kind of relationships we are working with, becoming better at self-soothing is a critical part of healing and creating success. Self-soothing is abstract because we are all different and therefore how we comfort ourselves on an inner level will differ. It is also hard to define for the same reasons we need it so much: We typically don’t self-soothe, it has not been taught to us or modeled by our parents or friends, and we typically seek love and comfort outside ourselves. Our relationship problems stem in part from seeking connection outside ourselves, in people, things and substances, and then we exacerbate things by trying to resolve feeling by seeking external comfort. The cycle of not caring for and resolving our feelings continues.

It is hard to tell you what self-soothing is because it is not Peter-soothing. But I can send you in a general direction. My book has 15 references to self-soothing, and the notion is included throughout. It is part of how I address topics from healing loss and anxiety, developing a strong inner parent, to healing addiction and embracing your inner sexual self. Self-soothing is about being in contact with yourself. Self-soothing can include self-care and things like: napping, bathing, meditating, exercising, walking, and eating well. It also includes developing an inner voice that is a nurturing inner parent and resolving the toxicity of the inner critic.

I most recently was thinking about this and planning this blog as a result of my now yearly solo-backpacking trip. Taking a solo-backpacking trip of over 50 miles for 3-5 days has become the only requirement of my summers. It is not a requirement because the desire comes naturally for me. It is one way I have challenged myself to learn how to be with myself. I am a people person, a nurturer of others, a father, a talkative Gemini, a pleaser, a pack animal and more. My work has always included the notion that we all need to learn how to be alone and this is an aspect of self-soothing, perhaps especially for me.

So, I hike into the wilderness alone. When I first did this I felt pretty unsettled and nearly anxious the first day of my trips. Then, I would settle into myself and have some pretty deep experiences. It is like a walking meditation for me. I don’t think much. My focus is on my steps, what I am seeing, if I need to eat or drink, and taking photos. I am present with the physical environment and my physical self. Thus, I go into deeper contact with myself and into a more self-soothing space. It is important to note that if I were a socially avoidant reclusive person, self-soothing would likely involve going further into meeting with and talking to people and then learning to calm any anxieties I felt.

Self-soothing is about being nice to yourself. But a bigger aspect is how do you get into a deeper, more caring, intimate space with yourself? How do you hold your hand? And how are your holding your hand as your navigate the specific challenges your are faced with right now? Please respond and share with each other, as you do, you will help each other find both the energy or emotional quality of self-soothing and how to connect with it.

I think this a pretty challenging time, more so than recent decades. Perhaps the only real requirement for improved living right now is to hold on for the ride.

To holding our own hand in life,
Peter
http://www.peterkane.org

Peter Kane Self love, self soothing, taking care of self

by Peter Kane

Talk of the “Bucket List” seems to have increased in recent years. I define the “Bucket list” as; what are the important experiences in life that we deserve and should make sure to give ourselves? But the popular discourse seems to be based on consumption. We have books about 101 places to see before you die. Talk of what special things and experiences we should have before we die has never really fit my philosophy. I tend to hear most talk of the bucket list as similar to, “she who dies with the most toys wins.” The bucket list is better, in that it is experience based, but I still hear it as being about the experiences I should have before I die, or the experience that ‘cool’ people should have. It almost seems as if no partly enlightened persons Facebook is complete without a picture of Machu Picchu or the great pyramids. I do favor financial investments that are experience based over those that are about accumulating property and things, but I think we can benefit from questioning the issues underneath the bucket list. What is it that really fulfills us?

If I had a year to live what would I do? 

 I do like the question what would I do if I had a year to live. I find it helps me see if I am acting on my highest priorities. I understand my answers may be a little different for me because I view my career as service-based and I love my work. But what I am sharing applies to people who like their jobs less than I do, because having security and providing for our family and friends is something that might always be central to our bucket list. Noting that if we had a year to live that we would continue to work hard for our family, or company or for society helps us realize the deeper meaning of our efforts and feel more freedom as we continue our work.

What would you do if you were truly free? Ask this question from the more materialistic, consumption-based, or ‘bucket list’ perspective. Think of that list and ask, what identity do these things fulfill? Who is it that would be doing these things? I am suggesting that they would at least in part be fulfilling a more ego-based identity that is trying to prove our worth by possessing something. Is the purpose of your life to accumulate things and pleasures?

We have a different human need to contribute and even our ego has the need to create value. I think we care about what we contribute and leave behind. This is not as simple as committing to more service projects. I have long noticed that service can be done with the egos need to be special or it can be done with our need to live a life of integrity and sound structure. Service can be a way to express our need to connect and cooperate with others and let go of the negatives of competition.

What would you really care about doing if you had a year to live? If we do more of that we will be more fulfilled. I am not suggesting we drop everything and solely do that. We can honor the various demands and priorities and do more of what we really value. What you would do if you had a year to live is a way to tap your core needs. It would makes sense to me if part of your answer is to travel more, but I think this question really helps you feel all of your priorities.

The bucket list question can help us ask if we have I done what we can? It can help us live a life worth living and we then move forward with greater commitment, joy and passion. The world needs us to speak up about investing in what we can contribute to it and let go of the talk about what we can take from it.

To our footprints, both past and future.

Peter

<http://PeterKane.org/>

Peter Kane awakening, bucket list, courage, encouargement, inspiration, motivation

by Peter Kane

The term commitment phobia invokes images of the fear being suffocated or trapped in a bad relationship. While this is part of the issue, a more common pattern, and more valuable use of the term is that people fear commitment because they fear they will not be able to be a good or successful partner themselves. We hold back because we fear we are bad. If we feel inadequate or that we will be unable to please our partner, we resist commitment. We hold back to protect ourselves from upsets, but also to protect others from us, and our unconscious feelings of shame or toxicity. To the degree that we feel shame, we will hold back to protect others from being hurt or negatively impacted by us. When we feel we are a good person we can instead more easily step forward into relationships and trust that the outcome will be successful.

        In my last blog, I talked about how perfectionism results in paralysis’s us and makes us afraid to try. Here, I am saying something quite similar, and the more dramatic term of “Commitment Phobia” helps us continue to look at some powerful stuff. There are many things we need to heal to feel good about ourselves and how we affect others. Intimacy triggers our subconscious feelings about how we literally “rub off” on others. It is powerful to see that when we fear commitment we are afraid to put our energy into a situation. If we fear what could go wrong, we are also validating the notion that we might make it go badly.

        There are many layers to healing shame and feeling worthy of being alive. Doubting the goodness of our existence stems from the guilt and shame that fuel our perfectionism and commitment phobias. In Chapter 28 of book “The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy” I talk about various “Birth Scripts” and how they create core guilt or shame that makes us fear we are bad. For example, if our parents did not want us or if we were a mistake or a burden, it contributes to our feeling unworthy of being alive. This is contrary to feeling good about intimacy. In chapter 29, “The Infant guilt syndrome: Causing our Mothers Pain.” I address a specific piece of this we all share on some level. The Infant Guilt Syndrome is the notion that we hurt our mothers when we were born. Our fear of hurting people can then result in our avoiding relationships or also acting that belief out and doing things that do hurt people. As I say in Chapter 29:

“No matter how gentle or natural our birth, one thing we all have in common is that we hurt our mothers. If our delivery was difficult or if our mother had a strong fear of the pain of childbirth, then this issue might have become our core negative. Especially if the more basic loving and belonging issues were okay, then causing pain may have been the key stress surrounding our delivery. We tend to focus on whatever is our “weak link,” and if causing our mother pain was ours, we may have focused on it and worried about it since.”

And:

          “It is valuable to realize that there is a connection between birth, pain, and sex. Our whole existence is affected by the connection between sex, childbirth, and pain. Sex can lead to birth, which causes pain. The result is that we have unconscious issues in which we expect sex to hurt and cause us pain (sometimes physically). With this unconscious expectation for sex to cause pain, we are driven to act it out. Having affairs becomes one of the easiest ways to hurt the ones we love. Both men and women experience both sides of the issue, one where we fear hurting others and the other, where we fear being hurt.”

        The solution is to remember we are good, and instead of fearing our badness, realize that relationships are a healing path we can use to learn and remember we are good. This will involve affirmations like: “I am good for (my partner);” and “It is safe for me to be powerful with (my partner).”

        It will also help perfectionism and commitment phobia if we relax and take one step at a time. Relaxing our possessiveness as much as possible will also help. The discussion at the beginning of the book on “The Possessive Archetype of Marriage” will help in an abstract way because the fear of hurting or disappointing someone is based in part on the faulty assumptions that we are a possession that is responsible for others.

        Maintaining an “Opened System” (chapter 34) helps too. Do not fall into the illusion that a relationship is not an object or a promise. Commitment is for us. It is best felt on the inside, like committing to a path we care about. AND, even if we are scared of being alone and want to make sure our partner is perfect and will never leave us, it is nearly essential to comfort our fears and let go of trying to control love to create security. It may be scary at times but we must let go and treat people as sovereign individuals. This will help everyone BE in the relationship one step at a time.

To the love we deserve,

Peter

http://www.PeterKane.org

Peter Kane better lover, commitment phobia, love, lovemaking, motivation, revelation

by Peter Kane    

         Next, I would like to explore perfectionism and how it can be an aspect of poor or non-existent lovemaking. People often associate perfectionism with working tirelessly to improve something or with obsessively agonizing over how to make something perfect. I agree with these definitions, but it is helpful to realize that the most extreme symptom of perfectionism is withdrawing or not trying. Fearing that we can’t do something correctly creates performance pressure and we might resist it or avoid trying to do it. If a perfectionist is asked to draw a picture, they may be parallelized and will not even be able to try. With sex, our fears of not being able to please our partner can result in avoiding sex all together, or in being superficial or caviler and just having a quickie without admitting that we would prefer a deeper experience.

         Perhaps the most extreme form of bad lovers I have heard about is men who orgasm quickly and so little interest in pleasing their partner. This sounds cold, macho and patriarchal, and it can be, but it can also be rooted in a deep-seated inadequacy, futility or fear of being unable to please a partner, so why try. I have sensed that poor male lovers are acting careless as a facade or defense, and their deeper issue is they fear failing. While letting go of selfishness and increasing their care and commitment to pleasing their partner is an obvious part of the solution, it will also help them try if they can reduce their pressure and performance anxiety. It will help both partners if they can let go of feeling that sex is a daunting task and simplify it into simple experiences that are easier to accomplish.

         Men need to deal with the pressure they feel. In my book <http://goo.gl/SXSAo> I have chapters on the problem with patriarchy and the false entitlement that patriarchy can create. It is my feeling that the privileges that society gives men over women, also create problems or burdens that men have to deal with and learn to carry without collapsing under their weight. The pressure or expectation that a man initiate relationships and sex is one of them. In my book <http://goo.gl/SXSAo> , I also talk about how I felt as a 12-year-old boy, when I realized that if I wanted a girlfriend I was going to have to do most of the work. The sex life of many married men is not much different. If a man wants sex he is likely to have to do more initiating and even in a marriage he may withdraw instead of face possible rejection. If a man wants to have a successful relationship it will help him if he faces the pressure and chooses to move forward and figure out how to please his partner instead of withdrawing or avoiding learning how to please them. Here, I like to apply the adage: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

         But a partner can help this process by initiating more and being more complimentary by expressing acknowledgement of any kind. We can reduce pressure, perfectionism and performance anxiety by making it easier to succeed and feel like a success. Verbal and non-verbal communication about what you need and what works for you is part of this. As I shared in my last blog, express your sexual feelings along the lines of warmer/colder. Sharing more of your desire with your partner will assist in this, but being easier to please will also help. If you have issues where you fear your desire you will be holding back and that will create the appearance that you are harder to please. If you are comfortable with your desire you will be showing your partner that it is easy to please you. More desire will also increase the intimate contact and give you more opportunities to share what pleases you. By becoming more sexual yourself, you give yourself more chances to more gently ask for what you need and you partners knowledge about how to please you increases.

         If it is difficult for a partner to orgasm these perfectionism issues can become easily dominant. Both parties will avoid sex if it feels like it has to be a big production. I was well into my forties before I understood that the phenomena of a woman faking orgasm originated most often from her desire to let go of the pressure that she (or her partner) felt.

         Bluntly put, if you want to make a man a better lover, help him feel like one. Help him feel like he is a most successful, smart, funny man with the biggest or most productive penis in the world. Help him feel that you need the light in his penis.

         Letting go of goal orientation and how receiving that light looks will help heal perfectionism and improve sex in many ways. Good sex is about being present and we can’t be present when we are trying to get someplace. Foreplay is about expressing love and care. It is not just about touch or getting to intercourse. The central aspect of what I share in my book <http://goo.gl/SXSAo> about sacred sexuality is to be in the moment and give yourself permission to start and stop lovemaking at any time. Regardless of how feelings of perfectionism and goal orientation are occurring, love making needs to be broken down to simple and attainable moments.

         It can help to plan on not orgasming at all. Even if orgasm is not difficult it can be very freeing to let go of having it as a goal or purpose of lovemaking. In the sacred sexuality arena letting go of orgasm as a goal helps create more depth in the moment and to the sharing of love. In the area of perfectionism it makes it easier to have successful sex. It would even help a most selfish lover become a better lover because of the reasons I share throughout this blog, but also because it helps discuss the length of lovemaking more explicitly. In short, letting go of orgasm helps us look at and discuss elements of lovemaking that are more important. It helps us move into bigger topics of intimacy and love, and it is nearly ironic that when we go deeper with these we will also be more able to orgasm.

         There are many sexual issues that can be improved if couples schedule sex and I have often made that suggestion. In recent years, I have stated this as “scheduling foreplay” and let go of the expectation that it necessarily lead to intercourse. It is thru pleasing each other in foreplay that you will then be more likely to continue lovemaking. Plus, you will have broken the ice on some of your withdraw habits and you will be well on the way to learning more and more about how to please your partner.

         This is a big topic and is hard to summarize. Ask yourself: How could you acknowledge your partner in all areas of life? How you could take some pressure off and be more sexual? How could you express more desire and satisfaction sexually? And, how could you speak up and ask for more of what you need? If you are single: How could you help a relationship grow by keeping things simpler, thus creating a sense that things are going well?

To our feeling good enough and having the strength to express it…..

Peter

http://www.PeterKane.org

Peter Kane better lover, goals, lovemaking

by Peter Kane

         I don’t know anyone who would publicly admit to asking me to write this, but I do know people who will appreciate it. There are many people who are frustrated with their partners’ lovemaking or lack of it. There are many things that go wrong after the honeymoon phase of a relationship. One of these that I address in length in my book <http://goo.gl/SXSAo>  is the lack of frequency of sex, but we will also benefit from discussing the quality of the sex we do have. This is an even harder issue to admit to. Couples understandably do not want to criticize each other’s lovemaking. But in the privacy of my office, I hear many individuals express that their partner is a crappy lover. So here we go… How can you make your partner a better lover?

         First, I want to give you a couple of big and difficult answers. Being a good lover is like becoming a better person. It is about becoming more emotionally and kinetically intelligent. It is about becoming more comfortable with your feelings, and with expressing your feelings. It also is about being comfortable with your body and with sex. It is about healing deep insecurities, shame, and sexual taboos. So, one part of the larger answer is to begin, or continue, all forms of therapy now! Everything from counseling, meditating, singing, massage, to acting class will help tremendously. The breathwork <http://peterkane.org/pages/breathwork.html> I facilitate (it may also be available from a practitioner in your area) is actually the most profound transformational process I have found for anything because it creates deep energetic healing and opening.

         Another simple reminder that your own personal growth is important is that good sex is about receiving. Learning to feel worthy and learning to receive will help you bring out the best in your partner. I will come back to how both partners need to become better lovers in a moment.

         Another part of the big answer is that being a good lover is like becoming a leader, a listener, and a massage therapist all in one. Comparing good, deep, and sacred sex to massage is unfair, because in that comparison being a good lover would mean using your body, including your mouth as the massage tool. While I am reminding you that nearly all personal development will effect our sexuality, and we all still have a lifetime to growth to pursue, lets also use these same points to remember that we are likely not novices in life or the bedroom, so lets go forth and share what we can with our partner.

         Now back to perhaps my most immediate suggestion and why I am writing this blog: You can make your partner a better lover by becoming one yourself. Sure that sounds obvious, but lets look at how you might be unaware of how this is relevant in your relationship. For those in long-term partnerships, this may be similar to how the polarizations that have happened since the honeymoon phase or your relationship ended, have resulted in withdrawal, criticism, and defensiveness. Most people who want their partner to be a better lover are in a state of withdrawal themselves. They are protecting themselves by waiting and wanting their partner to make the first move. They want their partner to do something to make things better or in this case, be more passionate. It is hard for your partner to be more passionate if you are holding back. It is almost as simple as you need to help them loose control by losing control yourself. How are they going to feel comfortable being strong, sensitive or noisy if they feel you are waiting or watching them? Both parties need to feel comfortable exploring a wider range of acceptable responses to making love, and by letting go and being more expressive yourself, you will help your partner do the same.

         So, no noise is wrong, and if you don’t like how your partner grunts, screams, or breathes try to keep those judgments to yourself. If you have serious problems with something they do you can mention it tactfully. Lets expand on this by answering the question, how do you make your partner a better kisser? Often it is as simple as saying ‘honey could we try kissing like this?’ and then kiss them the way you would like. I have suggested this frequently and have nearly always heard that the other person likes the better kiss, and then it can become the new norm.

         Patriarchal issues are no doubt part of this. Women need to let go of waiting for the guy to always be the leader and men need to step up and deal with the pressure of being expected to be the leader. In my next blog, I may go into length on the male aspect of this and talk about how one reason some men are crappy lovers is performance pressure. Since they fear they will not be able to please their lover, they don’t even try. For now, I am telling both parties to go for it and express more in their lives and in their lovemaking.

         One suggestion, and also a good way to view this is similar to playing the game warmer/colder. You can validate any improvements in your partners touch by expressing more pleasure. By expressing, or even exaggerating the sexual pleasure you are feeling when your partner is on the right track, you will teach them what you like and you won’t even have to ask. This works great when they are touching you non-sexually too. It is like telling them to do more of what is working by expressing your delight with both words and sounds. Your delight will also help as I suggest above, by making the expression of passion more common.

         Creating increased enthusiasm makes it easier to discuss things that are harder to share about. By taking responsibility for enjoying sex yourself, and for expressing your sexual feelings however big or small they may be, you will be helping your partner feel like a good lover and they will be more able to hear other more specific requests without feeling criticized.

         Soon you will be more able to say things like: “honey, I don’t need to orgasm every time, but as you know, I need quite a bit or oral stimulation in order to orgasm.” Or “it would really help me if you could be more aggressive and just take me and….” Also try to incorporate your desires into your words. Share your enthusiasm with your partner and go the direction your desire. By sharing simple passionate things you can help your partner know what you want and the dynamics you want: “Oh baby, what do you have here?…. oh, I need some of this…. are you going to give me this (take this) here?”

         One of the many things in my book <http://goo.gl/SXSAo>  that will also be directly applicable to this blog is Chapter 22 Understanding Your Arousal Pattern. It will help you understand and admit more of this and the words above won’t feel quite as silly.
To our sexual vitality, to liking sex, and reminding each other that we like it,

Peter

www.PeterKane.org

Peter Kane better lover, lovemaking