As I said in my last blog – I recommend avoiding “interviewing” when you meet someone online or otherwise.  Some people do ask a lot of questions, mostly because they are insecure and not present with the natural flow of getting to know someone. Asking questions is a fair way to try to establish trust. I have often said that the purpose of communication is to learn to understand each other so we can feel safe enough to love and trust each other. But “interviewing” is this gone overboard, and it is not likely to leave us feeling more trusting after a first or second meeting. 

How do we learn to trust someone? This is a huge question, even if we don’t meet on a dating site.

Answer: move slowly and resolve your own issues.

Moving slowly creates space to learn about the other person in a more natural way. Taking the time to communicate via phone or email before a first meeting can expose people who are prone to getting distracted by the next “shiny new” person. It can expose people who are primarily looking for sex or money. It can give us a chance to learn about someone without subjecting the connection to the pressures of “The Fantasy Bond” (see Internet Dating #2 Getting Beyond the Fantasy or Chapter 23 of my book) or of anxiously asked questions. Moving slowly gives us more opportunities to see if someone is likely to be who they say they are, and it gives us time to self-soothe and work with, own, and resolve, our own trust issues!

Regardless of the relationship or how you meet, it seems that we all know that it is good to move slow, but in many ways few of us do move slowly. I think it is also valuable to notice that most discussion of moving slowly seems to be focused on not having sex too early. But what about after we make love? I think we should continue to try to move slowly after becoming lovers too and get to know someone without rushing too far forward. It will help if we continue to give the relationship and the person room to be themselves and evolve with us.

Another powerful aspect of trust is about learning to be truthful and authentic yourself. You can’t be aware and feel someone else’s misrepresentations when you are busy covering up your own. Notice how many people are complaining about other people’s deceptions, fear of people who are players, lying about age, relationship status, and more? If we are avoiding a hard truth about ourselves we will be less able to sense things in others because the energy we are spending selling our own selves results in our not being present to what the other is sharing (or not sharing) with us. Share honestly and you will attract more honesty.

And lastly, the ultimate in trust is in trusting your own worth. Relax into your value and you will have greater trust in others to do the same. Self-Soothing, Self-Soothing, Self-Sooooottthhhhiiiinnnngggg….

To soothing our wounds and trusting that we are valuable,

Peter

http://www.peterkane.org/

Peter Kane Dating, insight, internet dating

We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect…….instead of accepting.

My Question is: 

“Why don’t we drop our expectations and open ourselves up to being pleasantly surprised by life and the people around us each day?”

Allowing your past and yourself to be proven wrong, while accepting and looking for new possibilities or behaviors that you like; can free you up to receive amazing results.

What’s normal and expected isn’t always what life delivers – these are the surprises, the AH-HA moments, the triumphants or the disappointments that come our way.

When there are expectations in life and these expectations are not met, resentment happens towards another and yourself.  When we expect to be the best and we don’t do our best in our perfect minds, then we disappoint ourselves; don’t get me wrong here, I am a proponent to strive for your best, but the key here is to not be so hard on yourself when you fall short of the best.  To live in expectations is so much more difficult then living in acceptance.  Think of the times that you’ve been in expectation.  Let’s take for example you have a new love in your life or even an existing love and your birthday is coming up.  He comes to you and says:

“I have a very special surprise planned for us for Saturday night for your birthday.”

Right away our surprise sensory goes off in our brain and we start to manufacture these great surprises, we envision, we know that he knows exactly what we want and thus it’s in the bag and we feel even more excited.  We can’t wait until Saturday night we may even go as far as asking a few times because we can’t stand it.

What is it about surprises that we love so much but yet can’t wait to hear what that surprise is?

Saturday rolls around and you are expecting to be surprised.  Remember the expectation has been building as each day goes by.  You get ready and you leave the house and what you expected and hoped to happen does not!

Disappointment fills your heart because your plan was for a romantic candlelight dinner for two, maybe even flowers thrown into the mix.  You are not happy – you expected something else and you got another!

How could all this have been different?

ONE WORD – ACCEPTANCE….

To accept a surprise was coming your way and being in gratitude from the first time you heard that something was being done for “YOU”; instead of creating expectations in our heads and later being disappointed.  Living life at it’s fullest - living in the spirt of the moment!

In optimism there is MAGIC

In pessimism there is NOTHING

In positive acceptance there is thrill of SUCCESS

So next time we are confronted with expectations versus acceptance which road will you choose?

Do you have a story to share where you expected and you were disappointed?

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite us all!

Expectations, encouragement, inspiration acceptance, awakening, encouargement, Expectations, insight, inspiration, motivation

Bio:  Angie Nichols

Angie is the author of the blog “My Walk With God“. At 41 Angie is a single, divorced mother of 3 children ranging in ages from 23 to 18. Having survived addiction, divorce, abuse, depression and sin, she finds her strength by walking with God. She is a programmer/analyst and enjoys photography both as a side profession and as a hobby/release. Her current passion is a photography collection she calls “How Great Thou Art“. She also enjoys bonding with her kids, reading, traveling, exploring, gardening, and anything outdoors. The youngest of 8 siblings, she was a high school drop-out, yet now holds 4 degrees. Check out more about her walk with God at: angnic.wordpress.com

Well. I slept like crap. Stayed in bed as long as my body would endure, then I fixed me a cup of coffee and settled in front of the fire pit for an afternoon fire. (Who says bonfires are just for night time, right?) I’m out there amiss the colorful blanket of leaves sipping my joe, letting the heat of the sun warm my body and the flames entertain my mind. I’m having an urge to write; thus, here I am.

Richard Bach, famous author of ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’, once wrote, “If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.” I don’t think he meant to say that love never existed, rather that the love was never meant to be ours forever. There are so many flavors of love. How many of us have ever truly let love go? And I mean when it utterly hurts to your core to let it go. And why do we tend to get mad if someone takes their love away, then blame and point fingers and cry pain-filled tears? I know it hurts, but would you really want to be with someone only because it is expected of them? Tears can be a product of love, but not a factor. Trust me, I know firsthand that love can be so painful at times causing deep, sincere tears, but tears cannot, and should not, make someone love you. No one owes you love; love satisfies no debt if it is not genuine. Love must come freely, on its own. Coerced love only delays the inevitable. Sadly, this world has become so self-centered, it’s pathetic. We’ve gotten lost in the definition of love and in turn have made love something we expect and hold onto out of desperation or give out of guilt. The sad reality is, in desperation, we rarely have any true form of love, and ironically, we choke out any chance for true love to ever develop in the process.

I think Bach meant to reveal the true nature of love: a freeing force, rather than an imprisoning one. If you love someone, you will honor and respect the potential and the highest good for that person…even if that means not being a part of that good…even if that means stepping away to allow time to reveal what kind of love is being felt. If in honoring another’s potential, they return your love following their natural path, their love for you is true. This is the kind of love that endures and thrives, and believe it or not, grows. If it is not returned, it never was. And why would you want that anyway?

There is a gray area when letting go. Often no one sees the turmoil that goes on inside. A smile disguises the pain on the outside, but inside, it is something so personal and so deep…the ache to explore that love coupled with the knowledge that you just can’t allow yourself to show them. Yet, love does not need to be reciprocated. You can love someone from a distance without them loving you back. You can honor and love someone without being an integral part of their life. Man, that is hard, but think of the alternative: you cannot force someone to love you, and why would you want to? You can do this best when you love yourself first, because then you are already whole. Love is meant to compliment, not complete. It is the well from which a whole different set of new and wonderful memories can be drawn together. There is nothing missing inside of you that anyone else can fill. Sure, none of us are perfect. We all have flaws, we all have needs…wants, but doesn’t that make finding a real love that much more important?? None of us are perfect, but each of us is perfect for somebody. Sometimes loving someone from a distance is the best way to express love, allowing time to intercede.

Selfless love only takes one person. Maybe, just maybe, in letting go you actually freed that person to realize their love for someone else…however sad or painful that may be, it is still an expression of love. In real unselfish love, their happiness comes first. That is the hardest form of love to understand, but we must. Even if we do not understand, we must at least accept. Everything happens for a reason even if we never come to fully understand it. And that’s where faith comes in; believing in what we cannot see. For true love to flourish, it must be shared. Letting go is sometimes the first step in discovering what kind of love, if any, exists.

The bible says, “Do not awaken love until it so desires.” ~ Song of Solomon 8:4.  I wonder if this had anything to do with Bach’s analogy. If these awakenings happen during a season when they can’t be righteously fulfilled, they often lead down a path of hurt and regret. Again, all the more reason to let it go and allow time to intercede. I honestly regret nothing because I know how I feel. I respect his honesty, and his situation. I can only hope to meet someone with his qualities again. I do, however, apologize for complicating things and plead with God to forgive me for stepping into something I probably shouldn’t have. Love must be in a position to give as well as receive. Love must be allowed to flow free.

If anything, I am convinced that there is someone extremely special out there for me and I am willing to wait for him whether our paths have already crossed or not. Certain memories will remain on hold until we can enjoy them together…like it is supposed to be. Love, to me, is sacred. Always will be. And for true love, I am willing to surrender to time because only time can truly reveal. Time is the ultimate master and we are all just slaves to it. Time can feel like an enemy and a friend. Time can allow us to heal, or it can allow love to grow. Time never intends to harm. Not knowing the outcome is the hardest part and often why we end up hurt because we want to rush time. Don’t. We may think we have the answers, but until both hearts are free, feelings will get muddled, hearts will get entangled and we will inevitably end up pointing fingers and placing blame. Let time reveal if it is real. If we follow this painful advice now, we will assuredly get our answer. And in the event love returns, and stays, we can rest knowing we will never have to let go of it again. We will only need to nurture it, express it, share it and hold it as the most valuable possession on earth. Just like it’s supposed to be.

Angie Nichols insight, love, Self love

by Alinka Rutkowska

So I was single again. This time I decided I was not going to settle for just an ok relationship. It either had to be Prince Charming or I am great on my own. After having studied a lot of the Law of Attraction material I knew that like attracts like so I made sure that I myself had all the qualities I was looking for in my partner. I wanted him to be loving. So I made sure I was expressing love wherever I could.

I wanted him to be positive. So I trained myself into thinking positive so that I could only attract a positive thinker.

I wanted him to be adventurous. So I decided to go on a trip to the end of the world (to me that is New Zealand).

I meditated daily. I made sure I was the one responsible for my dreams coming true. I made sure I was strong and balanced.

I made lists of the characteristics I was looking for in my lover, I imagined I would see him after work, I fantasized about doing things together and having so much fun.

I felt the feeling of being complete and happy even though he was not in my reality yet. I knew he was on the way. As I embarked on my lonely trip to New Zealand & Australia I trained myself to feel the feeling of being grateful to the universe for meeting such an amazing man. I felt confident it would have to happen sooner or later. Then I just decided to have fun on my trip and not worry about men. I so enjoyed myself, I made so many friends, I absolutely loved being single and before I knew it, I was in a loving relationship with an absolutely amazing man and my life with him is even better than I had imagined.

If your reality is better than your dreams – there must be some divine powers at work.

Now I see exactly what I was doing to attract him and I can spell the formula out.

First, express a desire and know that if you have the capacity to think it, then the universe has the capacity to deliver it.

Then get excited about it like a kid gets excited before Christmas.

Parents see that their child desires something, believes he will get it and gets excited about it. And the parents move mountains to deliver the gift to their kid. So does the universe. When you fill your mind with images – the universe delivers to you the matching reality. When those images are something you like – the universe delivers the things you like. When you fill your mind with images you don’t like (you worry), the universe again delivers to you the things that you most focus on. That’s why imagination is so crucial, from all our powers it’s probably the most divine. And then let go. The kid before Christmas doesn’t just sit in front of the Christmas tree waiting for the gift to come, he occupies himself with other pleasurable things and so should you!

I have a book in which I detail how to meditate, it’s a great formula that always leaves me centered and balanced – the exact same one I was doing when when I was creating my loving relationship. In the same book I show unusual ways of how to express gratitude. Did you know that you can bless slim poles to lose weight? “Read Me – I Am Magical” (https://www.createspace.com/3445296) will make your life truly magical when you read and apply it. And then contact me – I want to have you on my show (http://mayafilippo.wordpress.com/blog/) once you have created the life of your dreams!

Bio:  My name is Alinka Rutkowska and I’m the author the first subliminal personal development book on the market “Read Me – I Am Magical” and most recently, I am passionate about writing positive attitude books for children also known as the Maya & Filippo Series. The latter have been inspired by my travels and strong belief in the Law of Attraction. There is a story behind them: in December 2010 I left my corporate job to travel around the world and my first stop was Auckland, this is also why in the first book “Maya & Filippo Make Friends in Auckland”. In this story the main characters Maya and Filippo discover, just as I have, that what kind of people you meet depends heavily on your attitude. You can follow my travel blog featured at www.mayafilippo.com and guess what the following episodes will be about! I am convinced that the world you experience without is a result of your inner world and that to present this philosophy to children in their formative years can immensely enhance their lives as adults.

Here’s a more serious description of myself, you can tell that it is serious because it’s written in the third person!

Alinka holds a Master’s Degree from Warsaw School of Economics with a major in Business Administration and a minor in Psychological Studies. Since her graduation she has been working in highly challenging positions in big multinational corporations around Europe. She has also pursued independent psychological research. She is a Certified Six Sigma Black Belt – Expert on Sequential Learning, Lean Thinking and Designed Experimentation.

Her true passion is the power of thought, the mechanism of transforming thought into reality and the consequences of this phenomenon.

Alinka Rutkowska encouargement, insight, inspiration, Law of attraction, positive thinking, relationships

Learning to derive power from taking responsibility for your life, while refusing to take responsibility for someone else’s

by Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD, CHt

          “Who is responsible for this?”  The answers to the question will vary, and most certainly reflect our relationship with ourselves and others.  Some jump quickly to stoically answer, “Me, me!  I take full responsibility.”  Others may respond in a bit more slowly with, “No way.  I am certainly not responsible for THAT!”  Either way, how we decide what we are responsible for completely shapes our relationships, our work, family, and feelings about ourselves. 

We are going to simplify what seems to be a pretty complex topic!  It doesn’t have to be so messy!  So let’s clean it up!  First, ladies, I want you to set the intention right now that you are going to commit to having a healthy relationship with RESPONSIBILITY. 

Here is how it is done…..

STEP 1.  I,__________, commit to taking responsibility for my life, my emotions, thoughts, and actions.  

STEP 2.  I accept that I have control over my life and how I react to what’s happening in it, at any moment. 

STEP 3. I, ________,  REFUSE to take responsibility for anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, actions, or inactions.  WOW!  That’s powerful!!!  Now, we have a pretty solid starting off point!  The basics of responsibility are that we own our own thoughts and feelings, and how they shape our life, but we do not extend that responsibility to others. 

There are two extremes to watch out for…..  

1.  You never take responsibility for anything.   If this is the case, you are giving away the power you have to change your life for the better.  You are also living life hoping, more than acting.  You may feel powerless and angry that things are not going your way, but have not realized that YOU have the power to turn things around.  Start by learning about the “law of attraction”, then commit to a few mantras to increase your personal power.  You might try; “I embrace my personal power, good things are coming to me, and I intentionally follow my bliss now.  I am responsible for my own happiness and I choose happiness now.” 

2.  You take responsibility for everything and everyone.  If this is the case, your intentions may be good, but you most likely feel energetically depleted.  You may be giving off the impression that you can do it all, while feeling tired and resentful!  The first thing to do to correct this is to set the intention to STOP taking responsibility for everything and everyone.  You may then want to explore a bit about why you do this.  Get out a piece of paper and write down, “I SHOULD…”, then fill in everything that comes to mind.  Now write down “I WANT…,” and fill in everything.   Look at the different lists.  Ask yourself where all those shoulds come from?  Do you secretly feel not worthy of your wants?  Do you feel not deserving of them?  Are you feeling like you have to help everyone or else no one will?  Really sit with all the things that come up for you. 

Now, try this concept on for size; everyone is here on a journey to work out the things they need to work out.  If you take away their responsibility, you are taking away the gift that will surely come with learning that lesson.  Try these mantras; “I now release that situation completely with love.  Everyone is responsible for themselves equally.  We all make our own happiness and unhappiness.  I now take responsibility for myself, and detach from all others.  I live in bliss and attract limitless joy.”

As you examine your relationship with responsibility, be patient with yourself.  Developing a beautiful relationship takes time and nurturing.  The issue of responsibility can be a deep one, so if you feel so compelled to explore it further, sit down with a counselor and see what comes out!  I know I am biased, but I think it is such a cool and amazing process!  You will be amazed at the wonderful and interesting things you learn about yourself.  Choose to see yourself and all that you learn through clear and compassionate eyes.

Wishing you all the love, joy, and abundance in the world!

Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD, CHt

http://healingplacecounseling.com/

Erin Williams change, encouargement, insight, inspiration, Self love

 The Power of Words - The Video Link

Hello Girlfriends – Lisa Darden, a friend from my Facebook Group, “The Women of Facebook” shared this video.  I’ve watched it before but on that particular day my heart was stirred to write a post on it.

The video can be accessed by the above link- Notice the words on the simple signage that the blind man wrote…..

“I’M BLIND PLEASE HELP”

The Good Samaritan with her distinguishable shoes took time out of her day to change the blind man’s perspective and stated…….

“IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND I CAN’T SEE IT”

(the words “beautiful” and “see” stand out so vividly)…..

I have written about the power of the word before under a different subject line – I AM Statements.  The post spoke of the power of TWO words……

I AM…..

The Way we say things can be taken as negative or it can be taken as positive.  In this lovely feel good video, the blind man wrote a plea for help – for monetary assistance.  By changing his words and adding ……

“LIGHT” (SIGHT)

to his words he reaps the benefits of the beauty of the day.  He’s no longer blinded by his words but enriched by the givers of money!

HOW DO WE SPEAK?

We can say the same thing two different ways but get better results when said with a “positive” life affirming tone.  For me I want to be more aware when I speak.  When I’m talking to people, I remind myself by simple statements to myself such as, “notice what you are saying, and the tone you use when you say it.”

DO YOU COME FROM A PLACE OF LOVE?

There’s an old saying, “you catch more bees with honey.”

It’s the sweet essence of words that flow with true intention that color our world.

So in this video I see a beautiful soul that was aware of herself and made a choice to reach out to make a difference in a blind man’s world.  We truly must be aware of the world around us and the words we create with each breath we take.  Are they life affirming or are they not?

THE POWER OF THE WORD

Think of a time that you were around a negative person.  Can you remember the words that were flowing from their mouths?  Can you remember how you felt?

NOW

Think of a time that you were around a positive person.  Can you remember the words that were flowing from their mouths?  Can you remember how you felt?

I’m sure the first scenario as you thought of the situation you were in made you cringe a bit.  Didn’t bring love and light into your heart.  The second scenario probably made you smile, feel joy and certainly brought love and light into your heart.

I ask each one to a CALL TO ACTION

Let’s together hold each other accountable for the words we use in the course of the day.  Let’s be aware of what comes out of our mouths to the people we interact with.

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite you!

Power of words, encouragement, inspiration awakening, encouargement, gratitude, insight, inspiration, motivation, positive thinking, Power of words

by Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD

….And put yourself behind the glass with the other valuables! Often times we get confused about what being “strong and independent women” means. We think that we have to do everything, be everything, and rely on no one. What typically happens is we end up feeling used and our needs discarded. We put our own needs last trying to be super woman, and are surprised when other people put our needs last too. They are simply following our example and placing us on the discount rack, because we are not taking the time to up our own value. The good news is that this can be quickly remedied! We must first start by honoring our own needs, and valuing our time, emotions, and bodies. The rest of the world will easily follow suit.

You may find yourself falling back into your old habits of neglecting YOU. When this happens, STOP, and simply ask yourself what you need to feel good today. You may even create a list for yourself with some healthy options like nap, healthy snack, exercise, massage, talk to a friend, therapy appointment, yoga, date, etc. It may sound silly, but if you are not accustomed to taking excellent care of yourself, you may need a few options to pick from. Sooner than later, you will get soooo good at taking care of yourself that this process will happen automatically in your head, and you-won’t-need-no stinking-list!

When you take the time to up your value, sit back and watch the world admire you. Watch as doors open for you, help magically appears, and you are feeling good, respected, and appreciated the entire time. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” smart lady, that Eleanor.

Wishing you an abundance of Joy this week,

Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD, CHt
www.healingplacecounseling.com

Erin Williams awakening, encouargement, insight, inspiration, Self love

She is sooo important to all of us…

Dear YOU,

            Please take excellent care of yourself.  You were given this one body and person to care for in this lifetime.  Take a moment and look at her in the mirror.  This woman staring back at you is responsible for so many other human beings on this planet.  She affects so many different people.  She cares for their physical, mental, and emotional needs.  It is absolutely essential that you take care of HER.  Please make sure that her needs are getting met.  Please make sure that she is safe, happy, and healthy.  Please ensure that she is getting enough rest and nurturance.  This woman staring back at you is such a valuable part of our society that we now plead to you to hold the absolute highest standards for her.  Place her behind the glass where the valuables are.  Shower her with love, affection, and ensure she is surrounded by people that have the highest and best intentions for her.  She is simply too important to us all for anything beneath this standard of care.

I thank you for your cooperation in this effort to care for her. 

Most Sincerely,

Erin Williams, LMSW, BCD

http://www.healingplacecounseling.com

Erin Williams encouargement, insight, motivation, Self love, taking care of you

Hello Girlfriends – “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time”….Leo Tolstoy

We want things and answers “NOW!” 

We have been conditioned to expect things NOW since we live in a society of instant gratification.  With the upgrade of technology and our instant society we want ANSWERS NOW!  We’re hungry, we drive through a fast food restaurant to get our food quickly.  (No waiting – well except if everyone else in that town decides on the same thing – FAST FOOD – then there’s a long line and our patience gets tested).

It’s said that Patience Is a Virtue – so I researched this a bit because I know for myself I struggle with having so much patience in some parts of my life but then having ZERO patience in other parts of my life.  On Answers.com it states, “The phrase “patience is a virtue” is just a way of expressing the importance of being patient.  A virtue is a trait or quality deemed to be morally excellent and thus is valued as a foundation of principle and good moral being.  Patience can make us better people.  The definition of the word is to tolerate delay implying self control and forbearance.  When we say “patience is a virtue” we are exposing our moral values and expressing importance of patience as a foundation of principle.  So to answer the question, patience is not a virtue until it truly becomes a virtue and knowing how diverse the spectrum of individualism is, I’m sure patience is a vice (opposite of virtue) to some.  Patience is a necessity for a happy existence and that is why the phrase is so often used.

So with all that stated and knowing that patience is a necessity for a happy existence, why do we “fall out” of patience?  We all do it – look around and be aware at the grocery stores and the faces of impatient people, when you have to wait for a table at a restaurant, in traffic, in the blog world and your traffic is not up from you last blog post.  In relationships we display impatience with our partners.  Isn’t love patient?  So I reflect inward and I ask, “Okay if I love myself and love is patient then patience is love and I love myself enough to be patient with myself.” 

To have patience for others we must be patient with ourselves and there lies the battle. 

The internal struggle with self! 

Thus, the reason why we want everything “NOW” – answers to our challenges that arise in our daily lives – “NOW!” 

By getting our answers “NOW” then we don’t have to deal with any pain, fear and the unknown. 

Instead we don’t have the answers “NOW” – we don’t understand why the waiting?  We don’t understand the dessert moments in our lives.  These are the moments of being “STILL” (this requires patience and time) – when I say STILL, I don’t mean we keep thinking and fretting about the issue we are battling – STILL to me means – letting the issue go and getting out of the way of GOD.  There’s work to be done so get out of THE way! 

In my own life, it’s the moments when I let go and move out of THE way, that is when the MAGIC happens.

These are the moments when we get clarity and clarity is power!  Sometimes you can even look back at a situation and have an “AH-HA” moment by saying, “Now I know why I had to WAIT and be PATIENT.” 

So next time you’re in traffic, a long line, when you can’t wait to meet your new love partner because you’ve been alone for so long or you fear being alone – BREATH – in and out slowly – remind yourself that you are LOVE and BE STILL – BRING ON THE PATIENCE! 

Patience breeds happiness, love, and peace while impatience breeds anxiety, stress and fear….

Remember, may the possibilities of today excite us all!

Patience, Uncategorized, encouragement, inspiration change, encouargement, insight, inspiration, motivation, Patience

By: Kristin Kaufman

Recently, one of my clients confided that he had made a huge mistake with a member of his team. Yet, he just couldn’t muster the courage to admit his wrongdoing, apologize, and attempt to make it right. I have seen this many times in my career. False pride, embarrassment, and fear of being seen in a less than favorable light often inhibit even our purest intentions. A few thoughts on this: Not apologizing makes the offense worse.

So, we need to ‘man up’ so to speak and just do it. Think about how we feel when someone comes to us, hat in hand, and figuratively owns his mea culpa. From my experience, the person who falls on his sword and apologizes, their stock goes up in my  mind – not down. And, in particular, those individuals who admit to the ‘deep root’ mistake, are the true heroes. Consider this example: a manager forgets to include his employee in an important meeting where much of the work being presented was actually completed by the employee. (Sound familiar?) The manager was taking credit for his employee’s efforts.  The manager comes to realize his mistake after the meeting is over. The first and only way this manager can begin to re-build trust with that employee is to apologize, and not just for excluding him from the meeting; for the ‘root mistake’ as well. The ‘root mistake’ was basically taking credit for work that was not his own, and the disrespect shown to this employee. This certainly may not cure all the ills caused from this specific example; however, it will be the first step. Never try to justify the mistake.

Simply put, by trying to rationalize or explain away the mistake, we negate the apology. Take this example: “I am really sorry I didn’t get the document to you on time; but you should have reminded me about the deadline.”  It does not matter who may have had a hand in the ultimate mistake. Apologize. Then, try to make it right. That will take us so much further than trying to explain why and how the mistake happened. Be genuine.

How many of us have been the recipient of an ‘I’m sorry’ apology which was cold and insincere? It would almost have been better if they had not said anything!  So, speak from the heart.  Sending an email or a gift is not nearly as effective as a personal phone call or face to face meeting. It may feel easier at the time; yet, it will not be received as well as meeting the person face to face.

Bio:

Kristin Kaufman is founder of Alignment, Inc., formed in 2007 to help individuals, corporations, boards of directors and non-profits find alignment within themselves and their organizations. During her 25 years of corporate experience, she held executive positions at Hewlett-Packard, Vignette Corporation and United Health Group. Her first book – Is this Seat Taken? How Incidental Meetings can Change your Life – is slated to appear in bookstores fall 2011.

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